I’ve never put much stock into the preseason like many Cowboys’ faithful tend to do. So when the team goes 3-1 it tends to make the masses stand and proclaim with clenched fists “this is our year” only to be snapped back to reality once the regular season gets underway.
The major difference between this year and many others is the question marks didn’t wait to appear in the stretch run during the season; they popped up before the team ever put on pads and never left.
From the offensive line that consists of four guys and Tyron Smith, a receiving corpse full of bad legs and a shoddy spleen, it is fairly obvious that this team is going to struggle mightily from beginning to end. At least on every team there is a bright spot on one side of the ball be it the defensive unit, special teams or offense. The Cowboys have neither.
The defense is going into the season beat up as defensive stalwarts DeMarcus Ware and Jay Ratliff have missed time due to injuries and Mike Jenkins is involved in a kerfuffle in the secondary. Even with the addition of Brandon Carr and Morris Claiborne, the only thing good that has happened to the defense is the subtraction of Dave Campo and defensive liability Terence Newman.
Cowboys’ fans best bet is to hope a full training camp with Rob Ryan will make at least one facet of the team competitive but then again we’ve been fooled before. And as long as the General Manager and the Owner are making the decisions, not to mention a subpar head coach, the ‘Boys are in for another disappointing season. The schedule for the team is brutal and making the playoffs, in my opinion is nothing more than a pipedream. Hell, getting to .500 is going to be a chore for this team.
So in the interests of sparing you all the grief of watching a hopeless season—hanging on every pass and catch while clinging to the hope that your team will do something great when in reality they are a has-been team that is doing nothing more than masquerading as good team—I have decided to run through the schedule for you and give you the results as they came to me during my last alcohol-fueled bender.
Week 1 Cowboys @ Giants
Jerry promised during training camp festivities that some ass would be kicked in Week 1. Unfortunately for Jones someone forgot to tell him that he was not playing a high school team in the season opener. He was also unaware that his team would suck worse at the end of training camp and injuries would be the 53rd member of the roster. The Giants have somewhat responded to Jones prediction but there is nothing that can be said that will explain the beating the Cowboys will take from the defending champs. The Giants might even kill someone that game. I’m not joking. They do after all have Hannibal Lecter on their team.
Giants 45, Cowboys 9
Week 2 Cowboys @ Seahawks
I initially had this penciled in as a win but the Hags used logic and common sense and promoted a real difference maker at quarterback. The Cowboys’ defense will still be searching for an identity and Romo will be in the process of looking for a third option since the Giants will have most likely murdered a receiver. Russell Wilson will run roughshod on the defense and will inspire the Seattle faithful to believe they are a team on the rise. Unfortunately at the Cowboys expense.
Seahawks 28, Cowboys 11
Week 3 Buccaneers @ Cowboys
Even though I think firing Raheem Morris was a bad idea, the Bucs still have a good young team. Quarterback Josh Freeman will have a bounce back year as will the rest of the team and will look to show the Cowboys as well as the NFC South that they are a team not to be trifled with. Kyle Orton may get significant playing time as Romo will become the first player to ever have a concussion just thinking about how bad his offensive line is.
Buccaneers 26, Cowboys 10
Week 4 Bears @ Cowboys
Have you ever seen Pulp Fiction? Have you ever watched the scene where Zed is (ahem) fondling Marsellus Wallace in the basement? Well Brian Urlacher is Zed and the entire Bears defense is the Gimp watching the action. The Cowboys only recourse is to just take it, ball-gag in mouth and hope that no one repeats what they saw.
Bears 35, Cowboys 10
Week 5 Bye
After five weeks of agony, the Cowboys finally get a chance to lick their wounds and get some much needed rest. Unfortunately for them they are 0-4 and soon discover that they are the only team in the history of the NFL to lose to the Bye Week moving their record to 0-5 by the time they resume play.
Week 6 Cowboys @ Ravens
The debate over whether Joe Flacco is a top quarterback in the league is out the window this week as the Cowboys come into town after their most recent defeat to Team Bye. Most of the injured players on the team have returned and even TE Jason Whitten will be healed enough to play and be hospitalized after the first series. Romo will have 200 yards rushing due to the offensive line refusing to get off the plane. Romo will pass for 300 yards and 3 TDs, unfortunately two of them will be to #20, Ed Reed.
Ravens 45, Cowboys 10
Week 7 Cowboys @ Panthers
Everyone stumbles throughout the season and this is the game the red-hot Panthers hit their bump in the road. After six straight weeks of smash mouth football, they will be mentally drained when the two teams meet. Cam Newton will make a few sophomore mistakes and the defense will take advantage. Brandon Carr will be the catalyst of the defense and will single handedly win the game with 2 interceptions, one returned for a score, three forced fumbles and one touchdown reception due to the lack of depth in the Cowboys receiving corpse.
Cowboys 38, Panthers 14
Week 8 Cowboys @ Giants
Different city, same teams, nearly same results. In the week leading up to the game, Jones will utter the famous line, “They won’t kick our ass as bad this time” to which he is corrected when the Giants decide to rush 11 the entire game just to prove a point. Manning will throw for 586 yards with 5 TDs and 2 interceptions—only because he gets tired of throwing to his own guys. With the game well in hand, the giants will pull the first team off the field and will replace them with the New York Knicks. They will score often.
Giants 68, Knicks 21, Cowboys 12
Week 9 Cowboys @ Falcons
After the Knicks debacle, the Cowboys travel to Atlanta to take on another formidable opponent in the Falcons. The Falcons, much like the Panthers, fall victim to the trap game as Coach Mike Smith doesn’t even play his starters so they can attend Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat showing for one night only. Smith underestimates the desperation the Cowboys have as they win on a time expiring touchdown pass to Jay Novacek from Jason Garrett.
Dallas 10, Falcons 7
Week 10 Cowboys @ Eagles
Eagles’ fans and the Cowboys have two things in common; they are trash. And nothing will epitomize the evening more than when newly reinstated quarterback Tony Romo throws a Hail Mary pass to Michael Irvin in the corner of the end zone, he is upended and falls on his neck for the second time in his career. Eagles’ fans of course boo and the Cowboys cannot get back on track and end up running the ball for the remainder of the game. During one play from scrimmage, the Eagles show a hologram of Reggie White on the sidelines and Romo fumbles the hand off to DeMarco Murray.
Eagles 35, Cowboys 3
Week 11 Browns @ Cowboys
What can Brown do for you? Everything as they come into town at just the right time. Quarterback Brandon Wheedon and running back Trent Richardson are still a year away and their inept play will show in Arlington. The Cowboys will roll over the Browns and celebrate their victory as if they won the Super Bowl. Unfortunately that will be the closest they ever come to the big game.
Cowboys 33, Browns 12
Week 12 Redskins @ Cowboys
Even though I hate the Redskins and Mike Shanahan, I can’t help but like RG III and what he can do for the team. In a battle of the third best team in the NFC East, the ‘Skins will get the edge as RG III’s dynamic play will have the Cowboys defense saying “wow” and standing and watching—while they are on the field. Also, for one week only, the Cowboys re-sign Terrence Newman just so Santana Moss can make the Pro Bowl. He is released after the game after giving up two touchdowns, 275 yards and the obligatory flailing of the arms and blaming other teammates who are nowhere in the vicinity.
Redskins 48, Cowboys 21
Week 13 Eagles @ Cowboys
The Cowboys come into this game with a renewed sense of vigor and clamoring for revenge. Jerry Jones tries to hype the team up with “Remember Michael Irvin” chants to which the younger players reply “who?” The Eagles enter the game without Michael Vick who is suspended for fighting a dog. He literally punches a dog in the face as he finds his neighbor, a Cowboy fan, has allowed his dog to defecate on his lawn. Vick spends the entire week apologizing personally to Sarah McLachlan who in turn makes him sing a duet that makes us all want to punch her in the back.
Cowboys 35, Eagles 26
Week 14 Cowboys @ Bengals
The ‘Boys come out strong this week matching the Bengals yard for yard, point for point and defensive stop for defensive stop for the first two quarters. Everything appears to be going smoothly for the team until Pac-Man Jones has had enough of his former team and pulls a gun on Miles Austin just as he is about to step into the end zone. Austin “fumbles” and the ball is returned for the game-winning touchdown by newly re-acquired Terence Newman.
Bengals 28, Cowboys 21
Week 15 Cowboys @ Steelers
Four words: James Harrison/Troy Polamalu. When injured, the Steelers are a different team. They struggle on defense and somehow it transfers to the offense. This game, whether injured or not, these two will play. Jerry will find a way to slip up from his crypt and say something about championships that will become bulletin board material. Polamalu will have 47 tackles and Harrison will send $100,000 to the league office with a note that simply says “For what I’m about to do.” It is later discovered that someone on the offensive line with the initials D.F. has also paid a Steelers d-lineman to help them block Harrison. At the conclusion of the game, Romo files a lawsuit against God and the schedule makers.
Steelers 36, Cowboys -3
Week 16 Saints @ Cowboys
It’s almost over. The Cowboys at this point are looking forward to the offseason and a story has leaked that a petition has gone around the locker room suggesting the team quit early. Surprisingly, Coach Garret’s signature is the second on the list, right behind Rowdy and just before the late Crazy Ray. Jones calls a team meeting and informs them that if they do not take the field, he will cancel Christmas. The team reluctantly suits up and plays the game and plays well. Offensive Coordinator Bill Callahan takes over play-calling duty as Garrett is too drunk and doesn’t care. He is seen stumbling on the sidelines and when he sees Santa in the crowd, he attempts to charge into the stands only to be restrained by two Cowboys cheerleaders. He is placed into a chokehold and falls asleep in Felix Jones’ lap.
Cowboys 21, Saints 13
Week 17 Cowboys @ Redskins
The Redskins have been trending upward throughout the season. After several of the Cowboys’ players remark about how much they would love to have RG III on their team, they also realize they would like to not let their envy of him come between winning the season finale. Once again Callahan calls the plays and is auditioning for the “speculated” head coaching job. The team gives it their all and wins the game handedly limiting the Redskins to only 700 total yards.
Cowboys 51, Redskins 42
Garrett is dismissed after a 7-10 season and leaves Valley Ranch in a drunken rage. He is last seen running around the compound wearing Jerry’s Saturday face holding the caramelized leg of Crazy Ray singing the Princeton fight song. Jerry Jones announces that he will become the interim coach for the foreseeable future. The Cowboys receive a top five pick in the 2013 draft but immediately Jones elects to trade it for Randy Moss, Roy Williams and a has been to be named later.