Beware The Beaver

It’s been nearly two weeks since the Freeh report was announced and it seems like there is no other topics in the world to discuss.  With all the drama surrounding Rape State University in Pennsylvania, I figured we had all suffered a great deal of overload and thus I came to the decision to spare you all any more discussion on the matter and look at other newsworthy events that have happened since.

Of course there was shooting in Aurora, Colorado (shout out to Wayne and Garth) and the escalating turmoil in Syria.  The Summer Olympics are set to begin in England and that also happens to be the place where Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney decided to drop in and basically tell Olympic organizers to go screw themselves.  We even found out that the Florida Face-Eater wasn’t really on bath salts; he had just heard white people tasted like chicken.  And we all know the best place to eat chicken is on a causeway in the middle of the day totally nude.

Yes there has been so much going on over the last two weeks it would have your head spinning if you tried to keep up with it all.  But in the midst of all this chaos there was one overlooked story that could very well affect you at some point in your life if you are not careful.  That story involves two sisters, water and a sick, deranged, angry beaver that would not be tamed merely by petting.

Annabella and Alyssa Radnovich were swimming in Virginia’s Lake Anna when they were accosted by a feral blood thirsty beaver set on exacting revenge for many years of human interference with the beaver community’s civil engineering projects.  The sisters stated they were enjoying an afternoon dip when they felt scratches and bites on their legs and feet.  Alyssa fled the water while Annabella stayed in.  They each had tried to push the unknown entity away but it became more aggressive with each spurned advance.

After one final attempt to shoo the animal away, Annabella decided to leave the water.  But as she was climbing out the now surfaced mammal bit her on the leg.  The result was 15 stitches for Alyssa, bandages for Annabella and shots for both as they later found out the beaver was suffering from complications of hysteria, social anxiety disorder and a touch of rabies.  He also suffered from an acute case of death as one of the family members shot the distressed creature with a BB gun and stabbed it with a knife.

This whole episode got me to thinking about beaver attacks and how people should respond to them.  Do they know how or what to do if approached by a one?  According to one website that doesn’t exist, there are countless unreported attacks throughout the United States each year.  And it easy to say that the number could very well be in the millions but some victims, especially males, are too ashamed to admit that they have been assaulted by a beaver.

So I decided that now, for humanity’s sake it’s time for someone to put out some tips on what to do when approached or faced with an agitated, unruly beaver.

  1. First and foremost, remain calm.  A startled beaver can become a dangerous beaver in a matter of seconds.  Be cautious of a wet or soggy beaver as it may sensitive to touch and may want to be left alone until its full senses return.  Some beavers may just want a little attention and if they do approach you can be soothed with gentle petting and some Barry White or Al Green.  Never startle it with quick gestures or trying to probe or poke it.
  2. This leads to the second and almost equally important tip; never come at a beaver too fast.  It has to come on its own.  Treats like strawberries, chocolate and Moscato are helpful in getting it to come in a timely and safe fashion.
  3.  Once you have established a non-threatening relationship with a beaver and it becomes comfortable with you, feel free to give the beaver lumber as a peace offering.  According to mammalogists, the best time to give it wood is in the morning.
  4. One of the questions many have asked is “is it wise to let a beaver near your face?”  The answer surprisingly is yes.  Once a rapport is established it is not at all uncommon to have an adult beaver nestle against your face.  You will find that if blown on, they are very ticklish.
  5. Something one should always remember about the beaver is it is unpredictable.  The best way to let a beaver you’ve created a relationship with know it can be comfortable around you is to give it constant attention.  If it comes to you, remember to rub it frequently.  If it becomes apprehensive, rub it with two fingers slowly to calm it down.  Occasionally a beaver can become excited and unpredictable so varying your movements is wise.  Remember that when rubbing a beaver, never use three fingers.  You could shock the beaver and that may lead to it tensing up and attacking.
  6. And finally, regardless of the things I have pointed out, nothing can replace common sense.  Under no circumstance should one ever approach a wounded or bloody beaver.  There could be a myriad of issues regarding its injuries and it’s safe to just keep your distance.  According to mammalogists Dr. Viggo von Playtex, the best thing to do is have patience.  “I have found the best way to deal with a beaver…especially one I know is to lay down a cotton pallet in its habitat and let it rest for 3-7 days,” he said.  “Don’t engage it, don’t touch it; better yet don’t go anywhere near it.  It will save you a lot of headache and heartache in the long run.”

Hopefully this advice will serve you well as you finish out the summer.  I just would hate to have this knowledge about these creatures and not share it with you to ensure you have a safe, fun and stress free summer.

Just keep an eye out for the wild tube snakes.

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